I am my own worst enemy. I am engaged in an ongoing dialogue in my mind that never seems to stop. I often get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I convince myself of things that have no basis in reality. This is particularly true regarding my closest interpersonal relationships. No matter how positive an interaction may be, it is no sooner then I am alone with my thoughts that I have convinced myself that the person actually no longer likes me…they hate me…they are talking shit about me to every person they know. And I’m no idiot, Jamie. If someone else told me about having the exact same compulsive fears I would tell them that they are silly and unfounded. Despite this, I still worry day in and day out. Recently, I have been reading about obsessive compulsive disorders and I am beginning to think the problem is something physiological. I know you believe in some wild shit like that cancer is caused by being out of alignment or whatever so you probably don’t believe in OCD… but all of this is to say that I really think something is wrong with me. Am I totally fucking crazy? Should I seek a therapist, Jesus, a lobotomy? Please help me help myself.
You are not a “idiot” and yes in this moment you are your own worst enemy. There are the practical tools that include counting to twenty, quieting your mind and asking yourself if this has anything to do with your now; however I would like to have you try something different. Because you are so conscious of this pattern that you have created and recreated for yourself, why not take it one step further. After you have convinced yourself that “the person actually no longer likes me…they hate me…they are talking shit about me to every person they know” do not stop there. Keep going and play out the entire scenario in your mind until you get to the part that is so glaringly different from your reality in your now, that you get your own attention. Where I think that you are stuck, is that you have become so familiar with your story that you are sticking to it. No one has the right to take it away from you or convince you otherwise. This is why you must take it to the next level. From there you may begin to realize that you have another choice. The new choice is about softening the tone of the ongoing internal dialogue that you are having with yourself. The second part of your story may include how you are beginning to understand that your relationship with yourself is what actually determines what you believe others are feeling and thinking about you. When you buy into that, it will become easy for you to convince yourself that the only relationship that you have control over is the one that you are wanting to create with yourself. You are not “totally fucking crazy” seeking a therapist may help as long as your ready to talk about your new story, Jesus is always a lovely option and a lobotomy is certainly out of the question.