How Can I Parent Her?

My daughter can be so happy & open one minute and disrespectful with a bad tone in her voice the next. Usually she will turn nice if she wants something. Then when I try to help her organize herself so she can study better for tests or projects she turns nasty. It seems that past experiences are not learning experiences & she repeats the same problems at home, school and with her friends. How can I approach this or parent her in a healthy way, while respecting her growth & learning from her own experiences-without jeopardizing her school, whole family dynamics, relationships etc?

Our children are forever trying to recreate and maintain their inner balance as they understand and experience themselves one way and tend to hear most everything that is being said by their parents and teachers another way. As a parent it becomes important to discern if what you understand to be a “problem” your daughter is actually experiencing as a “problem” for herself. It is not our place as parents to rescue our children from themselves. However it is our ongoing privilege to assist our children in redirecting themselves back to themselves. Encouraging them to trust themselves and take responsibility for their successful and not so successful outcomes. The key here is that they begin to define, for themselves what a successful outcome is for them. If you see your child struggling with something and you are sensing that they want you to step in and take that on for them, do not do it! The best question to ask them in that moment is “how can I help you?” This only works if you are willing to hear their answer and not jump in with your own agenda no matter how right you think you may be. When we continually guide our children inward reassuring them that they make wonderful choices for themselves they feel confident and come to understand that the most important ongoing inner dialogue that they will ever have is the conversation that they create and recreate with themselves for themselves.